?

I think a lot.

The people who know me well enough are familiar with my over thinking episodes. I tend to face every minuscule detail head on, diving far too deep in shallow waters. Every single word is torn apart and misinterpreted again and again and again until all that's left is nothing but my own unnecessary worries and pessimistic conclusions.

I think a lot, I do.

It's not something that can be helped, I guess. I think a lot, because I worry a lot. I worry a lot, because I care a lot. It seems like the more attached I am to a person, the more I want to spend my time with them. But the more I want to spend my time with them, the more I feel like I'm being a nuisance, or an annoyance to them. It's a never ending cycle of ridiculous worries all stemmed from my underestimation of my own self importance.

I tend to question people's actions; quietly in the back of my mind, so they don't think I am being unappreciative. I wonder why they'd do the things they do for me, and if they were sincere in their actions or if it was more of a chore to them. I wonder if my happiness is something they feel like they are forced to fulfil, rather than something they'd truly want for me.  I don't mean to look down on anyone for anything that they've done, but I can't help myself. Why would anyone do anything for me, without expecting anything at all in return? Why would anyone allow any shortcomings on their part, simply because they'd rather put me first?

Maybe it's called being ungrateful. Maybe it's because I don't really think I'm worthy of being placed on anyone's top shelf.

But what I've come to realize, is that sacrifice and sincerity goes both ways.

"For those I love, I will sacrifice." 

These are words I live by. For those I love, I'd sacrifice anything. Everything. Without hesitation, without a thought for anything in return. Simply because I can, and therefore I would. Simply because it is for those whom I love.

So perhaps that's the answer. That's why.

Because they love me too.

I need to learn to accept that. I need to learn to trust that not everything has a double meaning behind it. Not everything is meant to fall apart the moment I allow it to be built within me.

I need to believe that people are capable of loving me just as much as I love them.

Maybe even more.

Maybe they already do.

-

"You have to make it. Even if I don't."